I love dancing.
I love living in Toronto and getting to hit up some pretty hot dance floors full of queer folk!
In my 20s, I feel madly in love with two women. They were night and day from each other.
In one space, I could view the world through the eyes of a 14 year old boy. The other one saw a 26 year old lesbian. I had no idea how to combine both sides of me, so neither worked.
In my 30s, I met two women who instantly reminded me of the first two.
Leo Jul 23 | Aug 22: What feelings or subjects have you been wanting to talk about, but have not yet been able to? Are there messages you are aching to convey to certain people, but can’t summon the courage to be as candid as you need to be? Can you think of any secrets you’ve been keeping for reasons that used to be good but aren’t good any more? The time has come to relieve at least some of that tension, Leo. I suggest you smash your excuses, break down barriers, and let the revelations flow. If you do, you will unleash unforeseen blessings.
For the past 10 years I have been going to see a naturopath/therapist. On my first visit he told me I was the most segmented person he had ever met. This was not a positive trait nor a negative, just his opinion. At that time I did not agree or disagree but there was definitely some validity to that statement. At the beginning of my relationship with Marty, I simply went in and talked, having no real idea what it was that I needed to work on, I just knew that I was in a state of discomfort with my person. He is really amazing at his job and after an hour of conversation he can pull out 5 sentences and ask , “Do you think this might be what you mean?” Sometimes in the beginning I would be annoyed with him because truthfully… ignorance is bliss. Once you start to become aware of yourself, it becomes really hard to hide from yourself.
Two years ago, I told him some random childhood stories about feeling like a boy and being mistaken for a boy. By today’s standards, I think people would have wondered if I was going to be transgendered but back then I was just a real “tomboy.” Had I known about the word lesbian sooner, I think that there would have been a much shorter ‘boy’ phase in my life. I have always been driven my emotions, never really do a lot of research before making a decision so everything I felt, when reflected back by the world I lived in, indicated that I should have been born male. Couple that with the most brilliant, ahead of their time, open minded parents and you get 14 years of ‘living in the wrong body.’ I have never really thought much about this part of my life because it has alway simply been my childhood, and it was an awesome one.
After that conversation, Marty changed up my remedy to work on my gender issues. That change has slowly been transforming my life and it has been a really strange and sometimes painful roller coaster ride. Its a beautiful thing to begin to feel more comfortable in your own skin but for me those moments have been ringed with anger, frustration and sadness. I wonder what type of woman I would be today if I was born in a time when homosexuality was not a taboo topic. I go through moments were I want to be more feminine, more ‘woman’ (an imagine that I have created in my head to define what that is). I don’t regret my childhood, I like looking like a woman and thinking like a man, because that is a powerful combination. I think I regret my drunken 20s where everything about being female and gay was painful and hard.
After I have my moments of anger, frustration and sadness, I have a laugh because I know if it was not my gender and sexuality, then it would have been some other topic. Maybe for many of us, the 20s are just about growing into yourself. Either way for the first time ever, I know exactly what I want to talk about at my next session.
And on a lovely note … This past Saturday I was at my good friend’s place for dinner. It was her, her boyfriend and his son, who up until about 6 months ago was his 14 year old daughter. I find it amazing that 25 years ago I was afraid to be gay and now kids my age are redefining their gender. Mind blowing progress Canada!
The great thing about researching beautiful design is that you stumble on to other beautiful things … like redheaded Swedish singers. I am in love with Erik Hassle’s style.
Leo Jul 23 | Aug 22 I know you’re beautiful, and you know you’re beautiful. But I think you could be even more beautiful than you already are. What do you think? Have you reached the limits of how beautiful you can be? Or will you consider the possibility that there is even more beauty lying dormant within you, ready to be groomed and expressed? I encourage you to ruminate on these questions: 1. Are you hiding a complicated part of your beauty because it would be hard work to liberate it? 2. Are you afraid of some aspect of your beauty because revealing it would force you to acknowledge truths about yourself that are at odds with your self-image? 3. Are you worried that expressing your full beauty would intimidate other people?
Wow. My least favorite topic.
I spent the first 14 years of my life living in a body that I did not like or want. At that point in my life, I did not know I was gay, I just knew that I liked girls and would rather be a boy. The next 18 years were spent learning to grow into my hips and boobs and the fact that I was a woman who loved women. At 32, I grew tired of thinking about my sexuality, my gender, the shape of my body and decided that I was simply going to be me.
Answer to question 1: I had to teach myself to look in a mirror because when you spend the first third of your life living outside of your body you develop a strange relationship with it. I began this process only 4 years ago.
Answer to question 2: Two years ago I decided that matching bra and panties, heels and purses where the best thing ever. I really like being a woman but this time back in 2012 ago I was going around to my friends whispering that I think I need to come out again … all of the ‘boyish’ things I used to love where beginning to feel as constrictive as all of the ‘girlish’ things that used to be expected of me.
Answer to question 3: No. Beauty comes from the inside out. I am good with the word beautiful.
Checking my email always results in me signing 2-5 online petitions for a long list of causes. One part of me is sadden by this as it means there is so much work to do and another part of me rejoices that so many people are making this space about social justice.
If you asked me what term I like best to describe my sexuality, I would say Gay Homosexual.
Years ago, we took back the word Queer. This word did not resonate with me so I decided to take back the word Gay. Gay as in happy. I am one really fortunate gay person. I like the term Homosexual because it is scientific and sexuality is genetic. It is simple biology that differs me from you and nothing more.
I applaude these guys.